Well hello there.  Been a long time.  I'm not here because of joyous events in my life; as usual, I only remember this thing exists when something bad happens.  But I'm not here to talk about that sad thing. 

In fact I'm not sure why i'm here if not to talk at length about things I can't change (try tho I might).  You can't change people, and you can't fix them even if you can figure out what's wrong with them, or with you.  I'm really sad, but I'm in that sort of flower-print place where I'm sad but not emo about it.  I am really disappointed that one little thing can mess up something I thought was really worthwhile, but in a two-person machine, you don't always get to make the calls.  If one person decides it's not worth peddling, you're pretty screwed.

Anyway, in slightly related news, I'm probably moving.  Anyone in the B'more area need a roommate or know someone else who does?

Dear Google,

I have long been your hugest fangirl, singing your praises for everything from gDocs to chat to notebook (RIP) to calendar.

So please, get yer damn act in gear.  This has been 15 of the most frustrating minutes evar, because even when I go to search for things on, say, ask.com, the search STILL hangs because the page is waiting on google ads or analytics to load.  Please figure out how to pull your tendrils out of other sites when your own servers or whatever crash and burn.  I know you can do it!

Thanks.

Ps I can't even try to figure out what's going on b/c the google group for gmail is obviously hanging as well. 

I've been really productive.  A couple of weeks ago I cleaned my car in preparation for this date that had the possibility of continuing on somewhere else, and I'd be driving. So I cleaned out the coffee cups and vaccuumed the carpets and wiped down the interiors and generally had a good time.  Today I finished the job by giving the outside a good scrubbing.  It's all shiny now.  If only I could pop the dent out of the roof.  I need one of those magnet things, or suction cup things. I don't suppose anyone has one they'd lend me?

I also went shoe shopping yesterday, because I really needed some black shoes to wear with my black stuff.  I have brown shoes, but my black ones got, shall we say, peed on.  SO.  Payless.  Look payless, you and I have had good times.  You've always had something I liked.  Sandles.  The high-tops era.  The period of shit-kickers.  So what's with all the shoes in the girl's section having three inch high heels and straps everywhere?  Do not want, Payless.  You're better than that. 

I finally found something i liked in a whole other section.  Suffice to say, I now know for a certainty that I wear a size 4 boys.  Sigh.  Result: brown airwalks with lion rampant; black faux-crocodile dress shoes.

So after I washed my car, I went back into the house and proceeded to fall UP the stairs.  So like a human, I cursed and went about my business.  I doodled in my room for a couple of minutes massaging my jammed pinky and then went into the bathroom to pee.  And then the pain hit and I suddenly couldn't breathe and my knees hit the floor and I threw the toilet seat up because I actually have a very clear head when I'm about to vomit.

Luckily I didn't actually vomit.  And my finger isn't broken.  I don't know why it hit like that, but I can bend it (with some pain) and it's not swollen.  So I'm good, and I don't want to throw up anymore.  Yay!

so now i'm torn between taking a shower and writing something.  something about a girl who breaks her finger falling up the stairs, or something.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

I cut my hairs, and dyed them too.  See icon.  That's pretty much it, with shorter hairs in back.  I also bought sunglasses, so the icon's even more accurate.  yay.  Also, I got this laptop named Archimedes which makes me all kinds of happy.  That was a couple of weeks ago.  I've all but stopped using my desktop computer entirely.  It's so much easier to write on this little thing, and it's tiny.  Acer Aspire One, linux flavour.  <3s  What else.  Oh, and I finally got a cell phone.  That was actually a couple of months ago, but it's been a long time since I've done an update.  I'm all up to date, until they come out with something else.

I haf also bin going on dates.

It's true.  I don't actually like the brand new first date feeling, and I don't particularly like the boring could care less if we hang out tonight feeling.  If I could bottle the middling "we've been dating for a couple of weeks and I still like having you around" feeling, I'd be set for life.  I know there are people who swear by that first flustery butterfly-y feeling of nervous excitement, but I'm not one of them.  I like it for two seconds until I think what a load of bullshit they're just as scared as I am, and then I start thinking about scooping them up and gently depositing them just outside the front door like they're a little spider I've got to man up and get rid of.

Which is probably not you know, the right way to think about it.

HOWEVER.  I have been finding this recent bout of dating to be nice and relaxed and just the right amount of exciting, and I think it's because I don't give a shit about making Impressions or Presenting Myself.  I just want to hang out, do stuff, have coffee, talk, and as long as that's what they want too, I'm cool.  It's like dating for friends that may or may not eventually kiss you when you wink at them.

I have also been writing.

I wrote a short story, 3200 wds, a week or so ago.  I like it.  But I need to write more often if I'm ever going to like, have any chance at all of hitting the right editor with the right story.  It's so subjective and hit or miss sometimes that I've really come to terms with rejection (I say that now, having never been rejected - let's just sit back and see what happens).  I know it happens.  I know it's like a bunch of stuff hitting all at once.  But you still think, if it's good, it'll sell no matter what, and the truth is, if you don't find the market for it, it won't sell, no matter how good it is.

I may be wrong.  In fact, I probably am.  Things are too complex for anyone to ever be right about anything.

But anyway, I'm satisfied with the story.

I need to write more Rosebush though.

I got a very nice compliment on book one the other day from wyndhover, which I won't repeat because I'm not writing this in order to convince anyone of anything.  She had a lot of good criticism that I'm going to take into account when I'm editing, and lots of nice things to say, and now I'm all pumped to write more of book two. 

And I want a tattoo.

I've always said I could never get a tattoo because I'm too fickle.  I'd get it and the next week bemoan it, wondering how in the world I ever thought getting a picture of a snake winking while eating an apple was a great idea.  However, I've put a lot of time and love into my book, which features black birds, and I think it might warrant some permanence.  I love black birds anyway, so it's not something I wouldn't otherwise like.  I need to find a design, and I'm open to suggestions.  I prefer a bird in flight.  And I need to decide on where.  The choices are the underside of my left wrist and the nape of my neck.  I know the wrist one will hurt a lot.  That's ok.  I def do not want an armband, navel circle, hip, ankle, or tramp stamp tat.  I could deal with a forearm one, but it's not in my top choices.  The design itself should be small and black only.  Suggestions?

I will probably be going up to visit shovel_bum so's we can get tattooed together.  Since I'm a virgin and all.  If that doesn't work out, I will con someone else into going with me.

Oh yeah, music.

I have to write some stuff for this year's compilation.  I've discovered I really love recording.  Or maybe it's just the Nice Package guys.  I'm psyched to be working with them.  I wanna get famous and turn other studios down in favour of working with Jason and Damon again.  :-D  For this one, I'm torn between Brokenland Parkway (aka Jibbsey's Song), Star girl (working title), and Clean Air Act (aka that song where you sing about killing animals for love).  So we'll see. 

Happy rainy cold, humans.

I has been riting.

but not much.  Finished book one in december.  took a "break" for a month or so which was really me going holy shit i can't write another damned word.  started book 2 midway through january and am now on chapter 3. i sat on the back deck for a bit this evening to get some more done and it worked, a little.  i don't think i want to keep anything i did tonight, but getting something down made me feel productive.

i stopped a few paragraphs in though, because i want to write something new for a bit.  something gritty and horrible and fast and indelicate.  like fable.  maybe i should finish fable.  only, i feel like i worked out the gritty indelicate parts in chapter 1 of that, and now i'm just going through the motions because i don't care about Bernice or Jesus like I cared about Zane and Ronnie.  If i sit down with them, I'll care.  Because that always happens.  in roleplay, that happened to me all the time.  i'd sit and think about random NPC #6 and give her some dialogue and suddenly she's got a brother and her dad's an alcoholic but the nice mooshy kind and her mom just wants the cat to stop pissing on the rug and bang.  NPC-no-more.

one of the things that stops me from continuing on is that fable is too long.  it's just over 50,000 words now, and it's about half done.  I could maybe get it into an lgbt mag as a serial, but other than that, it's too long for publication except as an actual novel.  what i should be doing is writing short stuff that i can submit to lit mags. 

Anyway. that's the update.  if anyone wants to read book one now that it's done (but still unedited), lemme know.

Okay so like around quarter to one pm yesterday, I finished that book I've been talking about.  It's DONE.  Finished at 155,809 words.  I'm gonna print it out and put it in a binder to work on a first (real) round of editing over the holidays.

YAY.

that is all.

( Nanobots )

In other news:

Eedle idle, fiddle fum,
A casket's brown and so is rum.
The piglet has run out of cheer,
And while the Moon has come so near -
We've all got noodles in our heads
And owls in our beds and straw in our sheds.
And so sayeth I, the one with the hands,
And the feet and the eyes and the dirt made of land,
'Be whole and be cheerful and stay clear of oysters.
And be kind to nuns, who at times live in cloisters.'

I haven't posted about Nanowrimo yet, but I am doing it.  I'm just over 11,000 words in, of 50k, and I can already tell that, like last year, this story is going to be much longer than 50k.  Unlike last year, however, I'm planning to finish it eventually, even after November's over.  There's a timeline already set up, and it's fanfiction, so I can post it on a few sites, ff.net and a couple canon-specific sites.  Complete strangers telling me to finish will help me actually finish, so yeah.

( A word on fanfiction: )

SO.  I'm still embarrassed to be writing fanfic, but I posted this tiny chunk on the Nano LJ Excerpt post yesterday and got some nice compliments back:

soooo i broke a tooth.  i have a dentist's appt at 2 tomorrow, with a brand new dentist, since mine went all vision-impaired and left the practice.  i was slightly disturbed that when I asked whether the doctor was accepting any new patients, the receptionist first asked me what kind of insurance I had before telling me "yes."  i'm starting to collect all of my doctors in one place - my gp is in the hospital, my dentist now, my cardiologist people. there's an office full of shrinks there i'm still getting up the gumption to call.  if a natural disaster strikes the UMH, i'll have to find all new doctors, but uh, that's unlikely, and I think replacing my doctors will be the least of my worries.

anyway, i'm glad i don't have to get through the party with a broken tooth, or having just come from the dentist.  perfect timing?  would have been to have this happen months ago, or not at all.  i'll settle for convenient timing.

the party planning's going well.  i hope to have pictures after the fact.

i think i'm gonna write a poem today.  i haven't written one since... possible past, not counting song lyrics, of course.  I only get like, one good one every few years, so I like to spend lots of time on them and really work them over.

i'm about to start nano in a few days, and i'm still only vaguely set on my idea.  i'm writing fanfic this year, because i want to get into the whole community feel of it by posting what i've written, and i can't do that with original stuff.  i was going to write harry potter fic, but now i think i'm going to get away from fantasy altogether and go with veronica mars.  hopefully my lack of fanfic writing ability and my lack of experience with writing mystery/detective stuff won't get in the way of writing 50k words.  there's a couple in the series that's on again off again, so i have an excuse to follow the first rule of nano: when all else fails, write PORN.  I took advantage of this in a big way last year.

( Altered States )

i'd like to take this moment to say that i don't intend on murdering anyone at this time.  thank you.

utterly, inexplicibly dismantled

it's catching up, i guess

</div>
 

I admit it, this entry is mostly to try out my new banner.  I'm lame.  I know.

but in actual news, I got this new ergonomic keyboard at work and it's... interesting.  shiny.  and full of typo!fail.  and the phones have been out for two days because a contractor cut the lines, yay!  not really.  when there's no phone at work, days are boring and i have to try to figure out how to fill them and i'm just generally crabby.  at least when it's busy, something's getting done.  when it's not busy, it's jut 8.5 hours i could have been writing or something.  ARG.

i also decided on a new journal theme last night.  i know people hardly ever read at the person's actual journal these days, but i do (regularly, so better spruce some of them crappers up, bish), so i'm conscious of how it looks when people go to it.  the original reason for these little banners was that my often bulleted lists would overlap my userpic unflatteringly and having a banner take up the space seemed like a good idea at the time.  so!  yeah.  plus, making things is fun!

<3,
age

Ok, Lists.

• Rosebush: Chapter 18 - FINISHED.
  • I slept most of this weekend, and when I wasn't sleeping, I was writing. 
  • As has been happening, the chapter end snuck up on me.  I assumed I had at least a thousand more words to go on it, but I stopped maybe 300 words into the last section.  I'm just over 500 words into Chapter 19. 
  • I worry that -- well, it's almost song lyrics.  Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot.  But really, I'm just worried that I won't write a good ending.  I've only written a few in my life, since I hardly ever finish anything.  Chapter endings are easy, because a) they sneak up on you and b) you can leave people hanging and they won't get pissed b/c they can turn the page and see what happens next.  BUT.  That's what readers - FORGIVING  readers - are for.  Halp me ficksss.

• Band: CDs are here!
  • They are 10$, plus shipping.  Comment me if you want one.
  • The Magusstein project has yet to get off the ground, but when it does, WATCH OUT.  I'm seriously.

• Grievous Personal Injury: Got an MRI on Sunday.  Last Sunday.
  • Those things are LOUD.  Firstly, they have like... a HEARTBEAT.  It's always thumping.  And then when they're actually doing the business, it's like... a monster, eating you.  And then there's a different kind of business, and that's like an alarm going off.  I actually thought to myself, "Something's gone wrong.  She'll be in here any second to tell me to run the eff away.  Why isn't she here yet?  Maybe she knows there's no hope for me, I'm too close to Ground Zero and she's making a run for it herself.  Shit shit shit."  But I didn't move b/c deep down, I knew that was all just silly.
  • She took my glasses b/c they have metal screws in them.  She wanted to take my sweater because it has a metal zipper, but she let me keep it because it was chilly.  She warned me that I'd feel the magnet tugging my sweater down toward it, but said it'd be okay.  She did not remind me (I'd say "warn," but I gotta be honest, I know how this thing works.  I should have thought of it myself.) to leave my wallet with my roommate in the waiting room.  Good bye, credit cards.  I don't even use them, really.  It was the whole blanking of my check card that smarted like a bitch.
  • No, I don't know what the results are yet.  I have to make an appt to find out about that and about my heart monitor readings.

• School:  We had a field trip on Saturday.
  • Yes, during the rain.  Yes it was outdoors.  We were on a boat, the Sloop-of-War Constellation.  It was beyond awesome.  Why have I never been interested in boats before now?  Sure I like being on them, but all the parts, the craftsmanship.  What the hell?  This stuff is awesome.  I think I missed my calling as... a pirate?

I think that's it.  I can't think of anything more, anyway.

The process:

• first, I trick myself into thinking I'm not gearing up to write at all. intellectually, i know i'm going to. But I walk around picking up things to put them away. anyone who's seen my room will be going >_> uh... really? but it's true. the things i put away are books and pens and stuff, so it's not noticeable to anyone but me.
• then i tidy up my computer desktop.
• then I play a game or 6 of solitaire (any flavour). I have to win at least one, and I can't start writing after I've lost; I have to play until I win. If I decide to keep playing after a win, and I lose, I have to play again and hope I win.
• then I set a playlist. sometimes it's the one i've got set up for rosebush - soundtrack music, heavy and orchestral, mostly LOTR stuff. some celtic music for certain parts. sometimes it's a different playlist tailored to the mood of the character from whose point of view i'm writing that night. it won't match the setting, but that's less important.
• then sometimes i light some candles and turn off the lights. lately i've been feeling like i hate this place, this desk, by this stupid window. turning everything off helps me leave it and get lost in the place i'm creating instead. (as a sidenote: i love this window. when i'm stuck, just need to blank my mind for a moment, i sit at it and look out it and breathe the air and listen to the laughing kids. but still.)
• i've started using google chrome as a sort of long test to see if i like it. i do. i open the doc (from gDocs) and drag the tab out into its own window. then i minimize absolutely everything else.

lately, this process hasn't been enough. i've been adding things to it, hoping the extra foreplay will get me going the way i used to go. sometimes i really hate writing and never want to do it again. sometimes i feel a teensy thrill when i know i'll get lots of uninterrupted time with my kids and their troubles and the fantastical world i've made for them, and i get off a little on the idea of being that place's supreme being. more often, i'm having to track down one of my readers and get them to talk about the story with me, tell me things they're looking forward to, things they liked, theories they have about which person is what mythological other thing, etc.

it's pathetic, but if i want to finish this, i think i have to do anything i can, right?


ruiner:

[He] forced himself to breathe. "If you can kill me, you can help me. If you don't help me, I'll tell them about the fairy detector." It was that simple. He watched her consider it.  She did, for a moment, her head cocked so that her hair fell over the knees she'd pulled up between their chests. "You are a foolish child," she whispered, "who knows nothing of the world." She dragged her hands forward to cup his feverish cheeks between them. "Of course I can take you." Her breath was laced with a hundred sighs. "I am immortal. All I think about is Death."

Siiiigh.  Made more little avatar thingies for rosebush.  But since they came in avatar sized pictures, I decided to use them as LJ avatars.  I only made four, b/c I only have four spaces in my icons list.  Since I don't use lots of these icons that often, I might delete some and go ahead and make the Celt and Brobstack.  I tried to make Noah, but they don't have good glasses for him, and I'd have to fake his hair.  (I had to fudge Deme's anyway, b/c they didn't have pigtails.  No pigtails?! What kind of doll-maker site doesn't have pigtails as a hairs option?)

 

These were all made at Lunaii: http://www.lunaii-dollmaker.com/dollmaker/

fer fuck's sake, people.

gotta a doc's appt for heart things, and a blood drive appt (which I hope the doc's appt won't disqualify me for), and MLA open house i intend to help out with all on wednesday.  i also have an appt downtown for wrist/thumb stuff next week.

the thing that makes me all curselatory is that i got a referral to a dude for my ankle, got x-rays and everything, only to call for an appt today and find out he's not a doctor who figures stuff out.  he only fixes stuff once someone else's figured it out.  so I need to talk to my chickadee again and say wtfxup?

in other news, we'll be releasing neighbor kitty aka bret in the next couple of days.  get'im while he's hot.

aaaand in more other news, i need to rite moar.  i can't even blame soul-sucking depression, although i should be able to and it's slightly nauseating and discomfiting to be able to say that I'm not.  blaming depression, i mean.  or depressed, either.  I'm just... extant.  which is sad in a different way.  am i different?  have the losses this time been followed up more swiftly by the gains?  or am i just better at coping?

or am i worse at coping?  that's the one i worry about most.

either way, whatever it is that i'm not, it's draining my ability to create coherent sentences (as evidenced by this one).  i can only keep going on rosebush because i planned it out ahead of time and because i pester my friends incessantly about what kind of scene i should write next.  none of my rp is getting done - not all my fault, mind you.  but i'm not helping.  i look at my list (yes, i keep a list) and i think i'm caught up except that that jp should have been done days and days ago, but it's not my turn so i'm okay, but really.  i didn't add anything interesting or creative to that jp anyway.  does it even count?  and just how annoying is this self-pity?

pretty damn annoying, is the answer.

anyway, if the worst thing i can think up to talk about is how guilty i feel for not writing, i guess i'm doing pretty good.

oh yeah, speed regime lost again.  i'm still loyal!  they lost by one point, and we all know how.  damn mods... using... strategy.  not fair!